I've been hiding under my bed with my cats and some pizza...

I started hearing more an more about this Zika virus. I don't know much about it, but Metallica warned us it would "destroy" on "Kill 'Em All" back in 1983. Based upon their lyrics, they may have been on AOL, so I doubt anyone gave it much weight despite the bands mettle.

I began hearing reports that Zika had begun to show up in America in various people's ami. This caught me off guard as I don't know what an ami is. The one thing that did stand out was that the people telling me about the situation all tended to be reporters of various skill levels...some news reporters, some podcasters, even the BBC News podcast was covering this. So perhaps an ami is a perk given to the <smug mode> select few that are allowed to report the news </smug mode>.

I thought perhaps is was the French word for lover (I think that's correct, but my French teacher was attractive as well so I'm not sure.) However most of the people I'd heard reporting about it were American so that didn't hold water as we, collectively, can barely speak English.

I did what any confused and scared person would do, I went to WebMD to see what I could find out about an ami. I mean there's a lot of water that's passed under my bridge...perhaps they have changed the name of something in the body and no one told me. Nothing there...ok...so next best source...wikipedia. The best option was the listing for the American Mustache Institute. This makes sense...a virus in a mustache...the perfect crime! Imagine all those old-timey villains tying the damsel to the tracks and secretly spreading Zika with every mustache twist. Bastards!

I shaved.

I then called my doctor to be certain. Understand that my doc and I see each other about as often as Bruce Banner watches election debates. So when I got him on the phone, I blurted out that I wasn't sure if I had Zika and I couldn't figure out if I had an ami and if so where it was.

There was a brief silence. I could hear him shuffling papers.

After a sigh, he asked if I was taking any prescriptions that he wasn't aware of. I told him no. He then briefly explained that Zika was spread by an infected mosquito biting you. That it was a significant problem because pregnant people could pass it on to their fetus. He let me know that he was sure I was safe but I could go to the CDC for more reliable information if I needed. This calmed me down...a little.

Now I know there's never been any documented news that a male human/Wookiee has ever given birth despite the claims of a friend of mine returning from the bathroom. That said, I'm relatively certain that no one has ever done the science to see if malts, hops & pizza when combined, could in-fact create a living being. Based upon my gut, I'm in my second trimester. I'm hoping it's an Ewok.

I'm still at a loss on what an ami is, but I found out that Jimmy Buffett's got one and it's HUGE! He claims that "everybody's got a cousin" in his.

So cover your ass people...and your hands, arms, legs...screw it I'm buying a hazmat suit.

@GlenEwing
GE