Must Give Us Paws...

It's story time again! After last weeks speed bumps, I think I've ironed out all the problems with one minor change to our plan moving forward. (...hopefully moving forward) I've had to go ahead and replace Richard as it would appear that he has dropped off the face of the Earth.

That phrase doesn't really make sense anymore..."Dropped off the face of the Earth..." because you would have to be ejected off the face of the Earth with a massive amount of propulsion. Clearly if the initial thrust didn't kill you then reaching the outer atmosphere would probably burn you alive.

Now that I think about it, I hope Richard is alright!

Moving forward.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, Richard's remains have apparently been burned to a crisp when he was ejected from the face of the Earth. Therefore, it's with a heart that weighs a lot, that Richard has been replaced by the youngest cat in my family, Mace. I was negotiating with the elder cat, Squirrel, but she won't take less than union, and we don't have that in the budget.

I would like to avoid any confusion, so I'm adjusting the name of the role from Richard to Pete. I originally was going to use the name Pete, but I didn't think it would last, and Richard was rather fond of his real name.

Mace has assured me that he will be doing his best as Pete. I'm making a bit of an assumption here as I don't speak cat, and frankly, Mace sounds like a very tiny Formula One car going by when he speaks to me.

We venture onward...

It was a gloriously sunny day.

John sat at the table staring straight ahead at George's face. His long hair danced slightly as the ceiling fan across the room kept waking it from it's rest. There was so much that had gone unsaid and today was the day that the cards would find their place.

Within moments Richard Pete was expected to arrive and the swordplay of accusations and excuses could commence. There had always been a kinship between John and George. Over their years, the music of life had caused both their hearing to drop like a stone to silence. 

Paul had just returned from paying the water bill and stopping off at the grocer, so there was clearly enough food and water to last for some time in case anything were to mysteriously go wrong. He put the groceries away and glanced over at his friends.

He knew what was coming and he wanted nothing to do with it. Among the four of them, there had been a storm brewing, and he knew that those two wanted to have it all out today. He just wasn't in the mood to deal with this right now. Knowing full well that he would be pulled into the eye of this later, he retreated to his room and the enchantment of some good music

Outside, Pete sat on the ground beyond their archway looking at the busy world around him. The sun was warm and he felt like taking a nap. Suddenly, Pete's head darted upward and to the left as he heard a bird chirp. Then down again as a something small ran down the pavement into the storm drain. Pete could hear a voice inside yelling at him to "stay focused", but he just wasn't that interested in what awaited him upstairs.

With a yawn, and a bored look in his eye, Pete turned walked through the archway and slowly began to ascend the staircase one at a time. Clearly Pete was in no hurry for what awaited at the top of the stairs. Halfway up the staircase, Pete decided to stop, sit down and look around.

The sunlight through the window atop the archway created tiny designs that splayed on the wall. They flickered so slightly when a tree branch would interfere. Fascinated, Pete stared at the light. He reached out with his hand to catch it. The light would not be caught, it slid out of his grasp and rested upon the back of his hand. Again he reached out and the light evaded. Once again he reached out this time with more force. A fourth time, even more frantic.

Suddenly, Pete felt something tap him on his backside and that inner voice yelled "COME ON!" Uncertain what had just happened, Pete darted up the remaining stairs. His heart was racing. This certainly was the end of days. Everything that he held dear was doomed. He longed for those moments outside on the stoop. For a brief moment he considered turning back down the stairs and bounding out into the awaiting world.

However when he looked over his shoulder to get view of the beast that would certainly cause his end, the stairs were empty. All was calm. The lights danced along the wall as if nothing had happened. Confused, Pete sat down. He ran his hand through his hair, licked his hand, then back through his hair to make sure everything was in place. All the while the inner voice was yelling "FOCUS! YOU LITTLE..."

He then turned to the door. The doorknob seem a million miles away...way too far to reach...even if he wanted to. He stared at the door for a moment then looked back down the stairs. It was decided. He would go outside and see what was going on out there. Certainly there were things going on outside that were much more interesting then what lay beyond this door, and it was about time for a nap.

Then suddenly...a noise churned from behind the door. Pete jumped in fright as his head swung around to stare. His head tilted slightly to the left. His ears strained to pick up the source of the noise. He knew his friends were in there, but what was that odd noise?

The silence hung in the air. Pete stared intently. Suddenly the noise again!

Pete again jumped as his heart raced! The noise was like nothing he'd ever heard. He couldn't be certain but most likely the beast that attacked him had somehow gotten inside. He looked again at the doorknob. Once again the noise called out, mocking him! This was his calling. He knew this now. This is where everything in his life came to purpose.

He dove to the floor and thrust his hand under the door to grab the beast. Frantically his hand attacked but there was nothing there. Withdrawing his hand, he laid on his side and peered under the door. He was certain he could smell something...maybe pizza.

A shadow caught his eye under the door and again he thrust his hand under. This time he would prevail. His hand darted back and forth in a fierce attack. The inner voice called out "ok, STOP! This..."

 ...is NOT working at all. Mace, I've never worked with someone more distracted by the littlest things in my life! If you had an agent, they'd be getting an earful for wasting all of our time. Lets all go take a nap, folks...we'll pick this up again next week and see what, if anything, can be salvaged.

...does anyone know a really smart dog?

@GlenEwing
GE

The Pen Is Mightier...

A long time ago...even a bit before I had been introduced to Wookiees, The Force, Astromechs, Protocol Droids or Jawas...there was a young me running around (waddling really) pretending to be Captain America.

When my brother was around, he would make movies of me fighting off villains and saving the world. I don't think I ever kissed the girl though. I'm not a doctor but I had it on good source at the time that the smarter gender were, in fact, all infected with cooties. If you even touched one you could contract this horrible disease! Clearly this was the work of The Red Skull, and I would have stopped his diabolical plan, but Moma was calling so I had to go eat dinner,

Unfortunately, I fear my brothers films are lost to time, but clearly I was pretty baddass! Just look at (probably nine year old) me defending our front yard with Spider-Man!

Comic Book fans may recognize the pose I was going for, but more on that later. That's my brother, Spider-Man, next to me. (that's not Marvel canon) Yes, THAT brother...the one that talked me into this whole thing and started my pig to feasting again. I guess J. Jonah Jameson was right all along...he IS a menace! ;)

At the grocery store, I would grab a Cap book first and always...over anything else. If there wasn't a new one, then there was always Thor or The Avengers or any of the other great books from Marvel Comics.

I didn't really understand when the books were released so sometimes I'd go with my Moma or Da to the grocery store three or four times a week to see if a new one was out. Clearly I was not a bright kid.

I remember going to the Radio Station that my Da owned and thinking all of the artists would be in a line outside waiting to perform. However every time we went, they were nowhere to be seen, so I assumed it must be a commercial. A logical assumption to back up my theory, but again...not really bright. (Seeing a pattern here?)

I would then commence a grand adventure with Captain America and Falcon through the offices of the station.

I distinctly remember one adventure where Falcon was frozen by Baron Zemo's "Death Ray of Super Coldness"! (working title)

To freeze Falcon, I shoved him up into the soda machine slot, until Cap could defeat the henchmen and get Sam some hot soup. Then together they would go bring Zemo's plan to an end and save the world all the while avoiding touching any girls.

While I was off in another room choreographing the wild battle that Cap had found himself in, one of the D.J.'s, a Jamaican, went to get a soda.

I'm not sure what the word was that he screamed, but I'm certain it would get me grounded if I figured it out and used it. I ran over, took Falcon from his trembling hand and I said "that's mine". I glanced up at the terror on his face as he tried to come to terms with what had just happened. Without a second thought, I retreated back to the battle...an unfrozen Falcon held high over my head, racing through the air to go help out his buddy.

I'm glad that man chose to wear brown pants that day. I, also, don't remember ever going back to the radio station after that. Alas, I fear that somewhere in the world, during Marvel's Captain America: The Winter Soldier, a Jamaican man was having flashbacks like a 'nam vet and screaming in the cinema.

So back to the books. I had been reading Cap for a long time before my Moma had made my brother and I those great costumes. One glorious day, I walked into the grocery store and I saw this.

I was gobsmacked...I stared at it in awe.

This iconic cover would go on to be used on notebooks and pads of paper that I would use for school, I think I even had a lunchbox with this. However, I'll NEVER forget that moment when I first saw this book on a rack in the grocery. I stood transfixed. Like a Jamaican D.J. that went to get a soda and instead got a voodoo doll...I couldn't move. I couldn't even pick it up. I just had to take it in...wait...and let the pig within my skull try and come to terms with this...this glory.

This would be the very first comic I ever bought multiple copies of. I had no idea of bagging and boarding..I'm not sure that was even a thing then. I had to have at least two copies. One I could read and one would go in my dresser drawer under my underwear.

Wait...I should get three just to be safe. What if my dresser were to be attacked by my mutant giant hamster named Mindy! (also not Marvel canon) There may be no defense as Cap and Falcon may just be laying there on my bed helpless because I was forced to go to the "Xavier School For The Kinda Dim"?!? (it was a franchise idea...didn't pan out) I had better get three to be safe.

Take a closer look at these two images and I think you'll see how much this book meant to me.

Shields on the wrong arm, but other than that...nailed it. :)

This particular issue of Cap (Vol. 1 #193) marked a big return to Marvel for none other than Jack "The King" Kirby! Today, August 28, 2016 would have been his 99th Birthday. Marvel has an entire series of stories celebrating The King and his work as well as videos and podcasts. There's too many to list,but you can find them on their news page.

I'm getting choked up thinking about the influence this man had on my childhood and my life. His worked helped form the person typing this and it will be with me forever. I have and will pass it on to people that I've encountered until my body finally gives me the finger. He is as important an influence to me as George Lucas and Stan Lee, and if you know me...well that says quite a bit.

I wish I could have thanked him in person.

Happy Birthday Jack Kirby! You are the one...TRUE KING! Your work will live forever. Not just in print and digital, but within the generations of people that you led wide eyed into other words...new possibilities...and further adventures.

Thank you for helping me dream, sir.

@GlenEwing

GE

Someone's missed their cue...

Shortly after I'd been bamboozled into started this fence, it became clear to me that it was going to continue. Unfortunately for me, my mind, like a cow, is a "machine.". (Dag nab it...does the period go inside the quote at the end of a sentence or outside? Screw it, I'm doing both...kinda looks like a ninja bunny anyway. ;)) (grrr...)

My mind, like a cow, draws in data, (or grass) processes it, draws from it what it needs or deems necessary, then ejects what remains.

Like Chris Evans, I dove on this grenade, accepted my fate, and moved onto my normal procedure of making a plan. I assumed that, like the government, I could just build one post a week and things would be fine. I chose Sunday.

Living in California, that leaves me plenty of time to re-chew my cud, (that's called a re-write I'm told) type it out and click "Publish". That would be a good outlet, and it's not gonna make Watson "screw the pooch".

Unfortunately, (for both of us) my mind eats like a pig.

So with the memory of my brothers cattle-prodding fresh in my mind, I decided that Sunday would be our day of regurgitation and Wednesday would be story time.

Therefore...we return to George and John...both are deaf and are sitting at at table awaiting the arrival of Richard...preparing to have a conversation that will change all of their lives...forever...

...except...

I kinda don't want to dip my toe back into their pool...this week. Don't get me wrong, I have already thought out the story and I know where we are going here, but Iiiiiimmmm...not in the mood. That's not true. I AM in the mood, just not in the mood to write about THEM.

The problem is that I've already figured out the story and (in my pig) I've moved on. So, clearly...it's already done...ok...it's not DONE done, but it's done...ok, It's just not something I can show you...right now.

I'll get around to it.

To complicate matters, George and John are clearly waiting on Richard to arrive and he's not answering his phone. I've sent a text, I've called his friends. I've even tweeted the guy. I have no idea where he's off to, but clearly he is not taking this a seriously as George, John, and the two of us are.

Don't worry about George and John as they are sitting down comfortably and I'm certain there is food and water in the room, I just haven't written that bit yet.

Perhaps after this tale has been caught by the dog, I'll plan this out better and we can be done with story time in a more "story-timely" manner.

Clearly, I should have kept my nose sharpened and continued with this when the unpaid talent was all accounted for...before this story escaped my (then) willing fingers and exited the south passage. (...that kinda changes what Han Solo was talking about.)

Alas, I'm new to this. My pig has been bellied up and drinking for a few weeks now, and it's making the bar stools loose.

I do apologize for the delay, but I'm sure we'll be back up to speed next Wednesday with George, John and someone that RESPECTS the work ethic of the people that are counting on them and is quite capable of knocking when there is knocking to be done!

...for now, I must retreat under the bed to see if Squirrel or Mace can act...

...that'll do pig...

@GlenEwing
GE

Jiminy Cricket is a lying little...

You can find a lot of things on the internet. Some things are very easily found, some can be more difficult than getting Jimmy Stewart to pick a restaurant. I'm kidding of course, Mr. Stewart was a genius actor and "Harvey" is one of the best movies I've ever seen. However the visual of him jokingly stammering from the passenger seat is priceless. "What IS it Jimmy?!? Red Lobster?!? Red Robin?!? For god-sake WHAT are you hungry for?!?" (I can see the twinkle in his eye. ;)) (damn it!)

There are many interesting, invisible rabbit holes you can tumble down online. For example, I spent an entire Saturday confirming that cats can, indeed, learn to play piano. Clearly Keyboard Cat has taken lessons. He may have been the Einstein of cats for all I know, so I need more proof. I have noticed that my youngest cat, Mace, will let me play piano on his belly when music is playing. When I hit a wrong note though...he gets PISSED! He's actually worse that my previous piano teacher. She never drew blood.

I've also been looking for more information on what caused the rift between N.W.A.(W.N.) and Sting, Stewart and Andy. As well as video of Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd auditioning for "Tarzan". That's my point(counterpoint), you can find anything online. If it's not there, then you can make it...or make it happen.

Except a new season of "Firefly", apparently. They may not be able to take the sky from me, but they can take the cast, the ship, the writers and the show.

That was one of the points that my brother was making to me when he Tom Sawyer'd me into painting these fence posts. "Go WRITE!" he kept saying. It was like he was my subconscious GPS. Apparently making beans and toast isn't that big an accomplishment anymore.

They have been telling us this in movies and songs (and sometimes in songs IN movies) for years. However, for a long time there wasn't a way to get your creations out to people without becoming a part of the machine. Now the lock has broken off the candy store door! Literally anyone can go out and make a movie with the phone on which they play PokemonGo. Anyone can start spilling their thoughts onto a keyboard and publishing it online...obviously. ;)

Which brings me to that little F'ing cricket...his theory is bullshit. I've tried it...TWICE! Once when I was a kid and once again a few years ago. Please allow me to explain.

When I was a kid, I met Johnny Cash. Clearly Johnny Cash was a star. Some would say he was one of the biggest stars ever. At the time I met Mr. Cash, I really wanted a "Luke Skywalker AM Headset Radio". I remembered what "Captain Musical Wings" had sung to me so I stared at Mr. Cash and wished for the headset radio. I stared so intently that he began to look at me with the slightest trace of horror and drew back. Undeterred, I kept staring and wishing with everything I had in me. When Mr. Cash finally turned to leave I believe I heard him say "...think I need a drink..." or something.

I learned two important lessons that day. First, don't stare, it's not polite and apparently can be scary. Second, talking crickets don't know anything about achieving life goals.

Later in life I went to a benefit for the California State Parks at the Paramount lot for a showing of Return Of The Jedi followed by a Q&A with Mr. Mark Hamill. The event was awesome and when Mr. Hamill came out for the Q&A, it all came rushing back to me. The Luke Skywalker AM Headset Radio...the drinking problem I had instilled in Mr. Cash...the LIE sung to me by that lousy gryllidae (Thanks Google).

I HAD to try again. I must prove to myself that wishes can come true. I began to stare at Mr. Hamill...slowly at first...then gradually more intently. This time I would not be denied. I didn't really want the AM Headset Radio anymore, and if I did I'm sure I could find one on EBay, so instead...a Venti Coffee Frappuccino no whip. I REALLY wanted that Frap...so I wished for it. All the while my eyes were burning holes through Luke Skywalker like a lightsaber through an old smuggler.

I'm not really all that bitter at that monocled cricket. yes, my child hood hopes were hung on a coat rack of lies,..next to a tiny top hat and a tiny umbrella, but he did teach me a few things. Mainly if you want to pretend to be Luke Skywalker and listen to AM radio while drinking a Frappuccino, you have to work for it.

I guess that's what my brother's been saying all along.

...I'll be under the bed with my cats, my blankie, and some bug spray.

@GlenEwing
GE

There Are Stories Hidden Within My Booty...

So my brother that's trying to kill me, was also pestering me about writing a story...any story. He's correct of course. (I was gonna say "right" there, but I didn't want there to be confusion) It used to feel right writing, but then it left. I'm not certain why or when my compass started spinning. Perhaps it's my magnetic personality. That may also explain all of those damaged tape fees I had to pay at Blockbuster Video.

Writing was always fun for me. It's something that I used to love doing. Somewhere within these walls is a chest full of things I've written over the years. Within that chest are some great adventures that I took within my mind...endless conversations, genius ideas that have,sadly, remained within my booty for years...

So without further hesitation, I sat down and played a game of Madden. However I couldn't help noticing that Ernest Hemingway was staring at me and laughing.

Allow me to explain. A few years ago I went to Key West and visited The Hemingway Home while I was there. In the gift shop I picked up an image I've never seen of the man. It's a close-up of his face and he's laughing. If you go, you'll see it there. It's the only one like it I've seen. I've not seen it online, and I'm not going to post it, You need to do this quest and grab one for yourself. (and take a towel...just in case) Since my return from The Keys, this image has resided above my television to look down and laugh at me.

So, because of the Ernest taunting I'd received, I sat down to write some great American bullshit.

*knuckles crack*

"It was a dark and stormy night..."

Unfortunately, the last time I'd written was on paper. I would have to go buy a new laptop. The screen for the previous laptop was now crumpled up and on the floor. Two cats across the room stared at the crumpled screen shaking their butts.

- (porpoise) -

ok...new laptop. Here we go...

...nothing...

OMG, I've got procrastinating writers block...

I've no idea if I thought of this or it's something I've learned, but it's 100% true, ANY story can start from two people sting at a table having a conversation. (preferably NOT on a dark and stormy night) The tale may not even have those two within, it's just a jumping on point. Perhaps in a re-write, the author may choose to remove them and just get to the story they tell, but it can certainly start from two people at a table having a conversation.

So I have my start...two people sitting at a table.

- Side note here about myself. I've always had a compulsion that things needed to be even and fair. I remember as a child, if I touched my thumb with my finger then all of my other fingers had to touch my thumb or it wasn't fair. I'm relatively positive that this is why my math teachers always talked very slowly to me. Certainly there's an acronym for this compulsion, but I've no idea what it is and I'd clearly mess it up as I'd have to make sure there were an even number of letters on both sides of the acronym. -

Back to the yarn (It's very difficult spinning a yarn with two cats in the room)...two people sitting at a table...I need to be more inclusive with this for this modern era of readers. I should have one of the characters carry a challenge that others can relate to. Something that is common. Something that can cause difficulty, yet the people that deal with it move on and live full lives.

So there they sit. Two people at a table...I'll call them John and George...and George iiiiiiisssss...uhmmm...deaf?!? Yes! George is deaf! Perfect! Really going now...John and George are sitting at a table and George is deaf...

"It was a gloriously sunny day. 

John sat at the table staring straight ahead at George's face. His long hair danced slightly as the ceiling fan across the room kept waking it from it's rest. There was so much that had gone unsaid and today was the day that the cards would find their place.

Within moments Richard was expected to arrive and the swordplay of accusations could commence. John's unflinching gaze continued as he opened his mouth to..."

wait...that's not fair. If George is deaf, then John has an auditory advantage right from the start. He may have a hidden feeling of superiority that causes him to look down on George, and that's not the John I know.

I want to come outta the gate with these two sitting on even ground. This will only be fair if both of them are deaf. That'll work out better. Neither one of them has an advantage. Even playing field. Here we go....

Recap, we have George and John...both are deaf and are sitting at at table awaiting the arrival of Richard...preparing to have a conversation that will change all of their lives...forever...ok, back to it.

"Within moments Richard was expected to arrive and the swordplay of accusations and excuses could commence. There had always been a kinship between John and George. Over their years, the music of life had caused both their hearing to drop like a stone to silence. John's unflinching gaze continued as he raised his hands and said..."

...crap...

...I'll be under my bed with the cats watching sign language tutorials on YouTube.

@GlenEwing

GE

Someone great once said...

"I've tried reading between the lines but all I usually see is paper." I'm kidding, I thought that quote up as an intro to this portion of the fence. Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking credit for it. I'm rather certain that someone has said that before...and probably received the same glare that your screen currently is.

I have noticed that, increasingly, folks will believe what they want. This is, sometimes, even after having been shown the science, math or the facts.

Just so there's no confusion, what I'm saying above is that my acknowledgement of this trend has increased, I'm not saying that folks are doing this more often then in the past. That said, I'm certain that explanation will undoubtedly be left out should anyone want to accuse me of attacking them, but I felt I needed to clarify.

Some of the easiest examples of this can be found in song lyrics...ok...old song lyrics. (...get off my lawn...) I doubt that anyone will ever be able to convince me that Ann Wilson wasn't a frustrated banker in the song "Alone". Clearly other folks have taken a different meaning, but this is where I've placed my flag...in sand...just in case. (heenahh heenahh) (inside joke) (the problem with putting my narration within parenthesis is that if I try and do the "winky face" at the end it looks like I have a double chin. ;))

Allow me give you another example. I can't tell you how many people have told me that "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is one of the most romantic songs they have ever heard. That its going to be the song they dance to at their wedding...etc. I'm not kidding...here's proof:


However as Sting has stated several times he wrote this while going through divorce with his first wife and...well I'll let him explain:


It's easy to see things through our own colored, cracked glasses and come to a conclusion without seeing all the facets. It's even easier to have someone tell you what your decision should be so that you feel that you don't have any responsibility should your wedding song turn out to, in fact, be about a stalker. (...remember that creepy server at the reception?)

We need to be able to see things from multiple angles to get a clearer perception of the effects they will have. We also need to be certain that we spell angle correctly because angel completely changes the meaning of the sentence. That kinda typo could draw us into a situation where the California baseball team began making our decisions. Alternately, in the biblical sense, lots a folks could begin begetting things and possibly each other.

The point I'm running in circles around and not getting to is that everyone has their own perspective and their own agenda. Their agenda will likely taint there perspective. (taint...lol) Therefore, we need to draw our decisions from multiple sources, IMO. Without the full picture, the puzzle will take much longer to build.

Clearly the person that named the "Chornaya River" in Crimea should have talked to a few other folks first. That could have become the number one place in the world to have an argument! Think of the tourist dollars!?! You could have had Justin Timberlake cut the ribbon!

In America, we have a very important decision to make coming up here shortly. There are several places where you can educate yourself on what is going on..what is fact....what is fiction. Here are a few of the podcasts I listen to weekly that you might find helpful:

KCRW's Left, Right & Center
NPR Politics Podcast
Meet The Press
Face The Nation
BBC News WTF America?!?

It's important to cut through the clamor and noise...the pomp and circumvention. We are dangerously close to launching another Kaiser Wilhelm II on the world. We can't afford to have a President that my cat can beat in chess. My cat would simply bat at his king, knocking it over and there's nothing to be done about it...well maybe you amendment folks could...but I don't know.

I'll leave you with another of my favorite Sting quotes from the song "DE DO DO DO, DE DA DA DA" from 1980's "Zenyatta Mondatta":

Poets priests and politicians 

Have words to thank for their positions

Words that scream for your submission

And no-one's jamming their transmission

As my brother is fond of saying, "Pass your time with porpoise!"

...come to think of it, I don't know what that means. Is he saying that we should swim more? Is he a big Douglas Adams fan? (No that was dolphins) Is he saying we should be sleeping with the fishes?!?

...OMG...MY BROTHER WANTS ME DEAD!

Squirrel! Mace! Get the pizza and meet me under the bed!

@GlenEwing
GE

I've been hiding under my bed with my cats and some pizza...

I started hearing more an more about this Zika virus. I don't know much about it, but Metallica warned us it would "destroy" on "Kill 'Em All" back in 1983. Based upon their lyrics, they may have been on AOL, so I doubt anyone gave it much weight despite the bands mettle.

I began hearing reports that Zika had begun to show up in America in various people's ami. This caught me off guard as I don't know what an ami is. The one thing that did stand out was that the people telling me about the situation all tended to be reporters of various skill levels...some news reporters, some podcasters, even the BBC News podcast was covering this. So perhaps an ami is a perk given to the <smug mode> select few that are allowed to report the news </smug mode>.

I thought perhaps is was the French word for lover (I think that's correct, but my French teacher was attractive as well so I'm not sure.) However most of the people I'd heard reporting about it were American so that didn't hold water as we, collectively, can barely speak English.

I did what any confused and scared person would do, I went to WebMD to see what I could find out about an ami. I mean there's a lot of water that's passed under my bridge...perhaps they have changed the name of something in the body and no one told me. Nothing there...ok...so next best source...wikipedia. The best option was the listing for the American Mustache Institute. This makes sense...a virus in a mustache...the perfect crime! Imagine all those old-timey villains tying the damsel to the tracks and secretly spreading Zika with every mustache twist. Bastards!

I shaved.

I then called my doctor to be certain. Understand that my doc and I see each other about as often as Bruce Banner watches election debates. So when I got him on the phone, I blurted out that I wasn't sure if I had Zika and I couldn't figure out if I had an ami and if so where it was.

There was a brief silence. I could hear him shuffling papers.

After a sigh, he asked if I was taking any prescriptions that he wasn't aware of. I told him no. He then briefly explained that Zika was spread by an infected mosquito biting you. That it was a significant problem because pregnant people could pass it on to their fetus. He let me know that he was sure I was safe but I could go to the CDC for more reliable information if I needed. This calmed me down...a little.

Now I know there's never been any documented news that a male human/Wookiee has ever given birth despite the claims of a friend of mine returning from the bathroom. That said, I'm relatively certain that no one has ever done the science to see if malts, hops & pizza when combined, could in-fact create a living being. Based upon my gut, I'm in my second trimester. I'm hoping it's an Ewok.

I'm still at a loss on what an ami is, but I found out that Jimmy Buffett's got one and it's HUGE! He claims that "everybody's got a cousin" in his.

So cover your ass people...and your hands, arms, legs...screw it I'm buying a hazmat suit.

@GlenEwing
GE